I have had a lot to think about lately—been writing in my journal and talking about what’s been going on, and now I return to the ever so patient blog of mine. I’m glad that this blog is a small kept secret. I doubt anyone checks it, but I like, for the first time, writing my thoughts more publicly (Writing publicly and liking it are both firsts).
So, I got a job, in a round about way. I was pretty upset that I bombed my second interview, paralyzed by nerves. I was hardly capable of completing my sentences and even made up a word at one point, paused, and then continued as if it didn’t happen. So when I saw that the position was reposted online, three weeks later, I was like, oh right, that confirms it—they’re still looking because I didn’t fit the bill. I was annoyed that I hadn’t gotten a response, nothing to say, “sorry, the position’s been filled.” After seeing the post, I mustered up the courage to call. It turns out, I somehow never got the voicemail message a week earlier, when my now supervisor tried to offer me the position! She thought I was no longer interested, and I thought they had already hired someone. I accepted on the spot, telling her I had had time to think about it, and we were both glad we connected. Sigh. It took a couple of days for it to sink in.
I started on Wednesday, Sept. 30, and have been shadowing and going through training since. Next week will be my first real week. Tuesdays/Thursdays/every other Friday I’ll be at an elementary school in SanFran, Chinatown, and then Mondays/Wednesdays/every other Friday I’ll be working with the district-wide mentoring program. Filling in for someone on maternity leave, I will spend the Wednesdays of October at another elementary school in the Sunset. Phew. It feels like a lot. I’m swamped, not sure where to start, not sure how confident to be, how stressed to be, how relaxed to be, etc. It’s a weird mix of understanding that I AM the professional at the school and wanting to uphold my responsibilities and then on the other hand not wanting to step on anyone’s toes, as I am inserting myself into a system with defined roles and an already established culture. I feel ready to start and have lots of ideas for a mentoring program, service projects, outreach to community centers, etc. I also feel stagnated by not knowing how or where to start, especially since I am walking into a school that just experienced the loss of an important figure in their community. It’s been overwhelming, but I think despite everything, I’m managing ok.
This week I also totally got scammed by this laser hair removal company—I’d “won second prize” in their raffle, and then in a hurry to get to my Spanish class and not wanting to pass up this great deal, I prepaid them $1000+ for services, only to look up their reviews later online finding almost 500 complaints and a possible class action law suit. I felt embarrassed, worried, violated, and stupid. I did express concerns at the time of payment and tried to resolve it with the company. Still unsatisfied I was able to stop payment and cancel my card. Lesson learned.
I’ve finally cut off ties to the person most important in my life for the past two years. It started with many missed phone calls and messages back and forth prompting me to write an email instead. Subject: is there any hope for us because I think there is and I want there to be? Response (6 days later): Can’t say yes, you need to get over me, and you need do it alone. It was more loving than I’m giving it credit, but what followed was wave of denial, sadness, anger, relief (all of that all over again). Moving on from love is not easy, but it is made easier when the other person is not trying at all to assemble the lingering pieces together.
I’ve been reading about relationships and then also trying to keep up with daily news and all my reading for my new job, which means I’m ultimately not reading anything, most of the time. In the wake of the new job, which so far feels like a lot and not exactly fulfilling, I've been feeling the need to just escape. Thus, I’ve been seriously considering the Peace Corps—just to spice things up a bit. It does blend my need for reinvention of myself with my desire to continue learning and exploring with my professional interests in international social work and in wanting to speak Spanish. All of this has made me realize that I’m not ready to settle down, as much as I thought I was. I felt conflicted at all times of my relationship, wanting so much to be a part of his life and be in love, but struggling with really wanting none of it, to just be on my path, alone.
In attempts to make sense of all of this and find a little relief, I’ve started seeing a therapist, and I freaking love it. She laughs at my jokes. She is sincere and not too pushy. I’m already thrilled that I made this decision. By the end of the second session I was already beginning to consider conditions for my happiness in the past: 1) sustaining a sense of freedom from worrying about not meeting the standards I’ve set for myself and 2) having a best friend, male or female. I do want to have the latter, and now would be great. It will likely come in the form of a romantic relationship, eventually—so is the way of things for most of my current coupled friends and so is the pursuit (explicit or not) of my single friends. To cope with my sadness I’ve been constantly wanting to talk, be with people, etc. Until the response email, I wanted people around as much as they could possibly stand me. Since the email, I’ve been much quieter, more solitary, and feeling like I’m in survival mode. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like processing. I don’t have it in me to try anymore. It’s as if I’m holding my breath and waiting for my reaction, or this IS my reaction, a calm, a sense of quietness.
I attended the Teachers for Social Justice conference today and was overcome with inspiration, and confusion. This is what happened two years ago—I went to this conference and was like, “Oh my god, I should be a teacher!” This feeling escalated proportionally to my conflict with the confines of doing therapy in schools. My ambivalence about being a social worker exposed my weaker, vulnerable side to my, at the time, new boyfriend, resulting in his pulling away emotionally and my ultimate break down in December of my final year at Berkeley. Two years later I’m back, ambivalent, and reinvigorated with purpose, without direction. I took copious notes hoping to absorb the skill and passion of today’s speakers. The main theme was transferring from a place of empathy to solidarity with oppressed youth in the classroom. Really though, it means oppressed people. In that sense, social work is a good choice for me. Working at Middle Way, I thought, hey, we’re all in this together. She just happened to be born into a different house with a different life. I don’t see it any other way—I know that this is happening. I can’t not do this work. I get the solidarity piece, but I’m still processing how exactly how today’s events are impacting me and don’t know what actions I’ll take. The challenge has repositioned itself to stare me in the face. The speaker asked, what sacrifice are you willing to make? What I do want to do is what one teacher calls your “revolutionary duty,” aka homework. I heard over and over today, you (or your student) have to start first with yourself—it matters how you live your life. Am I willing to continue educating myself? Yes. The closing address included a discussion of the importance “legitimate suffering,” what makes us human—really feeling and really connecting with others, that should be embraced to avoid neurosis.
This triggered thoughts around my own sadness and healing. Little by little I will and can feel my own suffering. I won’t ever have the experience of healing from the trauma of growing up in poverty in a dangerous neighborhood. My suffering is different, but it emboldens my ability to overcome my ‘stuff’ so that I can help heal the trauma of other people. Today, Jeffrey Duncan-Andrade said, “I don’t think anyone in here is going to the change the world, but I believe the young people we teach will be the ones to change the world.” I have wrestled with how I’m going to change the world, and in the past year have gotten almost wild with expectations of something big and bigger. He also quoted Emilio Zapata, “I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees.” Rather than inciting some inner-revolutionary, his words gave me a sense of peace. I am not settling for something less when I promote more from someone else. I don’t have to be the one to achieve some great accomplishment, but instead, I can feel a deep, real sense of pride to lead a quiet life that nurtures the voice of others who will be the ones to change the world. I’m feeling more comfortable with this being my legacy and hope that it only complements a pervasive sense of happiness or rather contentment in my life.
For now, I am testing my will to confront the sadness I’m holding by slowly exposing myself to memories. Most of the time, however, I’m filling my time with self-indulgent distraction, from cookies, to movies, to tonight’s long, hot, candle-lit bubble bath.
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